Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!