What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now