Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
hmm conte-me mais
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.