Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Cheers Twitter.
me as a parent
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.