date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts