Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk