I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed