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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬