i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Ugh
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
This will never not be funny 😭
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.