murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
this has done me in for some reason
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Gods work.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt