white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Just a friendly reminder!
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.