Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I have no passwords left in me
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side