I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
is this store having a stroke wtf
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands