As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Are we there yet?…
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!