I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.