Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.