Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You Might Also Like
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.