Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The second world war should have been called world war returns
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning