“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My god she’s good.