Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
You Might Also Like
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?