How to keep the seat next to you empty.
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?