If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT