My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row