Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Two types of dogs.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.