Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
50 shades of grey = my Liver
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
greetings!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
FRED: right
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.