Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.