Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
starting a garage orchestra
i hate you platonically
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal