I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol