Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Am I having a stroke?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
How did we not see this back then?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie