Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You Might Also Like
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.