Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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finally found a reasonable question
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.