Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.