Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”