Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Encore…
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
How I like cutting carbs
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
spicy snake
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.