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I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing