The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You Might Also Like
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
gentlemen, hear me out
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business