Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.