It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I only eat vegetarians.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams