There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
smartest karate player in the world
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill