When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Did…did a minotaur write this
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
What is going on? 😅
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.