I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born