How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Oh, I bet you would be
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The Compass
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
How I’d get arrested…
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism