rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.