Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My Sentiments Exactly
You are not alone 💚
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.