[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!