Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes