Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.