I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
This was a bad idea all around
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.