Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Worst bar ever.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Nose
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Never be a pizza!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
wow he looks just like him
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.