Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.